I realized that I hadn’t gone to his Facebook page to stare at his picture or write on his wall in a while. I used to do it every day, but it has been a little while since I said, looking at the sky, “Damn Boo, I can’t believe you’re not here with us.”
1. My mother had a friend that she used to hang out with who’s youngest son would dress up in his older sisters clothing and play with her Barbies. When my mother tried to defend his eccentricities by saying, “leave that boy alone, playing with dolls will make him a better father!” His response? “Mmmm-mmm, no it wont, ’cause I’m not gonna be a daddy, I’m gonna be a mommy!” He was about five. We all labeled him as gay.
Why the heck do tattoos have to hurt so bad? “Well Genius, ” I bet you are saying, “you’re getting a bunch of needles, duh!” But hey, listen, it’s not just the tattooing part. It’s finding a way to sleep comfortably by not putting pressure on the part that now pains you, it’s showering and not accidentally letting hot water hit it directly, its people slapping you on your arm not knowing that you are aching. And then, finally, there’s the annoying itch that lets you know that you are healing. There’s this entire healing process that you go through, and while some handle it better than others, but healing is a must and it happens if you’re healthy.
So, I got this tattoo last week. A pretty bird to memorialize a friend, “Bubby”, that I lost on Christmas Eve, last year. See?
“What you resist will persist”…
What does that mean to you? From my experience, it means having my priorities all discombobulated. It means being so caught up in what people will think, say, feel about my life that I forget that my ultimate goal for me is peace and happiness, so fear and resentment stick around a little longer–actually as long as I allow it to stay, it does.
In my life, “supposed” ; it’s such an ugly word. I held on so tight to the lie of what my life was “supposed” to be (false perceptions handed down by family, friends, peers, society), that I didn’t realize that all I had to do was let go of “supposed” to reveal the truth that was already there whether I like it or not.
Shhhh…do you hear that? I guess you don’t, because it’s just me here (well, me and Ameerah and Noah, the kitties-slash-kiddies).
The TV is off. No music. No phone. If I listen with my heart and not my ears, there is certainly something to be heard. Trust me, it’s true. Go ahead and try it, take some time and cut off all of your distractions. Do it in the middle of the day, when you are most alert. Listen…What do you hear?
Get Free, Get Happy! Episode #3
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.”
— Eckhart Tolle
I have a question for you. Ready? O.K., I want you to take a few moments to think about this: If you stumped your toe, would you feel it, if your mind didn’t know it? I mean, if your brain was never aware of what happened in those few seconds where you mis-measured the space between the coffee table and the loveseat? Can’t figure it out yet? Well, what if your small child started to scream from the other room at the same time. Would the diversion from your own incident, to something more important, allow you to not focus on your own pain, even if only for a moment; would you still feel your own hurt?
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
When pain comes, your nerves send a message to your brain, and depending on your fears and perception of that pain, it can either be magnified or lessened. When we continue to obsess over our disappointments, we play out our emotions repetitively, and by going over the details of our painful stories our bodies feel the same tension and stress similar to what we feel if we actually going through the painful ordeal, over and over; we refuse the possibility of healing, and allow our hearts to continue to break.
When we allow ourselves to internalize our pain, we can’t forgive and we allow the people that we hold accountable for our pain power over our lives. While I believe that the pain that we feel, out of heartbreak and disappointment comes directly from our expectations of what we perceive as being perfect–we try to see things that only God can consistently give us in very human people and things–and are spiritually blinded to our attachment to them. It’s easier said than done, to not expect truth and loyalty from the people that we love 100%, but I think it’s easier to at least admit that it’s not realistic; and even if we can’t admit that aspect of taking responsibility for our own lives, I’m sure you’ll agree that no one deserves control over your peace of mind, but you. The more resentment we continue to harbor, the less truth we let into our lives. The reality is this: pain is usually a clue that we need to make adjustments in our lives. If your belt was tight enough to cut off your breathing, wouldn’t you loosen it and if your pants were falling would you not tighten it? Pain and discomfort is usually a sign of resistance of the inevitable. When we feel pain, usually it means we need to cling to what alleviates our pain (try to think permanent and spiritual on this one), and let go of what/who is causing this pain.
“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” –Ann Landers
I have hurt in my life and begged God to make it stop. I’ve asked the question that I’m sure many people have asked, “When will the tears/pain stop?” The answer was, to my surprise, “when you allow it to, the healing will begin.” Please, I urge you, to not think it’s a human, terminal, condition to continue to go through the same emotional pain, over and over, but until we learn to let go and let God and forgive, we let undeserving situations to run our lives. If there’s the chance of getting “burned”, there is also the option to come out as pure gold in the end; If you have the power to love, you have the power to live and let go!
“The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve.Letting go is God’s law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey
- The Ultimate Guide to Motivating Yourself (dragosroua.com)
- Forgiveness (psychologytoday.com)
- Are You Hurting? (itakeoffthemask.com)
- Wendy Strgar: The Truth About Forgiveness (huffingtonpost.com)
- Letting Go (socyberty.com)
- The Key to Freedom is Forgiveness (brighthub.com)
- Does God have a Plan? (blogilliterate.blogspot.com)
- RaK added a discussion to the group The Journey of Forgiveness (humanityhealing.ning.com)
- Judith Acosta, LISW, CHT: The Trauma of Betrayal and Verbal First Aid (huffingtonpost.com)
- To Forgive, Very Simple But to Forget, is It Real? (socyberty.com)
- Find Freedom in Forgiveness (psychologytoday.com)
- “The Pain Chronicles”: The science of pain (salon.com)
- Anger Increases Pain in Women (webmd.com)
- The Pain enigma: The more scientists learn, the more mysterious it becomes (news.nationalpost.com)
As good parents, I feel that you have to allow children to make mistakes, in order for them to learn. Example:
‘Baby’ is learning to walk. ‘Baby’ takes two steps and falls, PLOP! Mommy/Daddy says, “Awwww, that’s ok. Get up.” ‘Baby’ looks up at the “big, goofy” people with smiles of admiration. “Wow,” Baby thinks, “All this and all I did was try?”, so ‘Baby gets up and tries again. ‘Big‘ and ‘Goofy’ stand about three feet away, close, with arms outstretched for ‘Baby’ to fall into them and their embrace, if needed (and the truth is, they expect it. They know, in all of their big-goofiness, that there is a process of succeeding, and it’s rare to reach it without falling). The parents even celebrate the smallest of efforts, even when Baby doesn’t do anything but rock back and forth, trying to get their little legs to do what their young minds are envisioning, “YAYYYY!!!!”, they yell, clapping, even if ‘Baby’ takes only two steps. ‘Baby’ looks up in awe of how loving ‘Big’ and ‘Goofy’ are, and soon ‘Baby’ is clapping and “yayyy-ing”, too!
With all this encouragement, and a process of practice, many tries and many failures–Baby can now walk!
As adults, we are sent out to live on our own, to live our own life, most of us with a set of instructions: “pay bills, work, eat, sleep, pray, don’t drive drunk, protect yourself, cook, clean, etc.” We leave our youth behind, as well as the desires of our youth. With no parents some of us go wild, others don’t, but for most of us we forget that there are steps that we have to take to fully embrace and walk through our lives. And while we aren’t children anymore, we are all Someone’s child (children of The Creator) and the need for nurturing never goes away, it just shows up in different ways (discouragement, low-self esteem, tears, loneliness). It will always give us confidence and courage to walk a little more steady the next-go-round. And it becomes our responsibility.
Like loving an coddling parents, we have to embrace our short-comings, open ourselves up allow ourselves a warm place to hide if we should ever fall and bruise ourselves. Tell ourselves, “it’s ok, sweetie! you’ll do better next time.” We have to give ourselves credit for trying, and give ourselves the option of being tired and allow us some time to rest, pray for guidance, observe and meditate and breathe before we go at our goals again. Just because we didn’t get the walk right the first, second or fifteenth time, doesn’t mean our try was a failure; “There is a blessing in every lesson” (‘The Truth’, India.Arie);We have to forgive ourselves for being human, just as our Creators does daily.
And might I suggest that this stroking and understanding go on outside of yourself? Nope, not in your head. Be “big and goofy!” Talk to yourself in a calming, reassuring tone, just as you would a child. Stand in the mirror, and look at you as you would look at someone else that you care about–Talk aloud the next time find yourself beating yourself up about how you could’ve done things differently. Tell yourself how much you love yourself, talk to yourself about all the good things that you’ve achieved, and all the good things that you are made up of. Caress yourself! Go ahead, do it–doesn’t that feel good? Give yourself credit for the small stuff–the baby steps. Even if you don’t believe it at first, entirely, convince yourself! Do you see how confident you become, when you don’t focus on what you perceive as your failure (in life and love)?
Just as if you were a baby, learning the steps, say to yourself, “”Awwww, that’s ok. Get up.” Try again when you’re ready. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t get discouraged!
Baby yourself! Self-Nurturing is one of the key elements of loving you.
And when you finally get it right. Celebrate with yourself, with yourself! Love yourself up! You deserve it!