A Lonely Place

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Shhhh…do you hear that? I guess you don’t, because it’s just me here (well, me and Ameerah and Noah, the kitties-slash-kiddies).

 

Ameerah and Noah

 

The TV is off. No music. No phone. If I listen with my heart and not my ears, there is certainly something to be heard. Trust me, it’s true. Go ahead and try it, take some time and cut off all of your distractions. Do it in the middle of the day, when you are most alert. Listen…What do you hear?

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10 Simple Steps to Creating Happiness: The Get Free, Get Happy Series, Ep. 1.5

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Portrait of Byron Katie

Creator and Author of "The Work", Byron Katie

Try these 10 simple steps to stay happy during stressful times:

1. Breathe in, then out,  deeply and slowly.

2. Close your eyes, if you need to block out distractions or that thing that is making you upset.

3. Pay close attention to how you feel. Be completely aware of the tension your dis-ease is causing in your body and heart (this is so you remember exactly what dis-ease feels like the next time it comes along).

Watch the next time someone gets you peeved–not just angry, irritation is stress too –pay close attention to how your neck, chest and shoulders tense up. Are you tapping your foot, while waiting in a long line? Are your cheeks flushed, because someone said something that triggered your embarrassment? Or are you rubbing your temples, because the person next to you on the train is having a loud, long conversation on her cell phone about the drama in her life–are you getting a headache? Observe!

You just let a skin irritation go without soothing. Why let a mental irritation go without attention?

4. Know that anything outside of happiness is less than you are capable of and far less than you deserve. Yup, even being irked, annoyed or irritated.

5. Talk it out with yourself, without saying “SHOULD”, “WOULD”, “COULD”, “WON’T” or “CAN’T” (or any variation of these words that you can trick your mind into believing is true–STICK TO THE FACTS!)

Just what is happening in the moment that has you so heated, and what about it is upsetting to you? What is going on in your mind? What don’t you like about this person or event?

Personal example:

Oh my gosh! I can’t believe this cashier is going to talk on her cell phone the entire time we are in this line. Is she cursing? Wow! That is soooo unprofessional! I worked in customer service all these years and not once did I get away with such behavior. I know she’s only giving such service because it’s a discount store, if this was a gourmet supermarket, in the suburbs, she would NOT get away with that! Shows what she thinks of people like me!


6. Now, this is where I have to give an official shout out to Byron Katie! It’s what “The Work” is all about. The truth and all of it!


Ask yourself next, after you figure out why you’re unhappy (while still applying step #5), are my thoughts about this person or event true? Are your feelings about the person or event fact or opinion (opinions can never be proven, otherwise they would be the truth–sure, you are allowed to  have them,  but they are not facts, which basically makes them fictional stories–made up by our tricky, perceptions). Byron Katie’s “The Work” humbles a Leo like me. It asks you how much do you know of the truth, how do you know the truth? and would you bet your life that you know that your opinion of this person or event 100% true? Basically, who died and made you God?

Well, when you put it like that…

How did I know that the lady was on a personal call? And was I always professional, 100%? Better yet, what is professional really (sure, I know the definition, but would she be unacceptable to someone else who waited on customers while chatting away on her free nights and weekends)? Am I really sure that she wouldn’t act the same if she was in another neighborhood in an upscale establishment?

More importantly, the question to ask is what if I didn’t think these things? What if I stood here and read The National Inquirer or said a prayer for all of humanity instead of wasting all this energy on something so small? Shouldn’t energy produce a better result than anger?

7.  Ask yourself have I ever felt this way before? Did it last forever and did it solve anything? What good did it do me? Are my thoughts making me happy?

8.  If it doesn’t make you happy don’t do it, don’t say it, don’t think it!

I know that’s hard. But so many times we go to others for advice in life, love, career, etc. How easy would it be to rely on someone who is always present? God didn’t give us emotions and feelings for nothing! Feelings and emotions are like those “Magic 8” balls that we played with as children. Ask yourself is ____________ (fill in the blank with your actions) going to make me happy? Shake yourself up (meaning, be real and honest with yourself about numbers 1-8–yes, it’s going to be hard sometimes)! And voilà, the answer can only be yes or no! If the answer is yes–go for it! No? Ummmm, well, leave that thought, action or reaction right where you found it (or  in some cases him or her, lol).

If you’re unhappy, there’s something wrong and it’s your job to fix it, honey! There are times where I sing, talk to myself, watch classic episodes of Seasame Street, or sometimes I just have to scream out loud to let out my tension. Do whatever you need to do to put a smile on your face long enough to think rationally. Remember the lesson from this episode is to BE YOUR OWN SUPER-HERO! Save the day! How do you do that? By changing things. How? By changing your course of action. And where do our actions begin? In the mind, right?

9. Remember, your brain tells your body what to do, not the other way around; Unless you have some kind of addiction (which has a need for compulsion–which we will talk about in episode 4), understanding that actions start in your mind may be fairly simple.

10. I can’t say it enough, your actions begin in your mind. Once your mind knows that:

  • You have control over creating your happiness. (Thank God for that gift, as soon as you believe it! It’s the inherited gift of life and power!) Never again do you have to depend on someone else to make you smile from the inside out. Have you heard better news?
  • Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.
  • If there is unhappiness, there lies a lie. God gave us the gift of Joy! It’s the only thing, besides change that is constant in this life. It’s there, as long as God is there–even if we don’t acknowledge it/God. The truth is Righteous and Just. The Truth is also Freedom (Webster’s definition: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another). You know the old saying, “The truth shall set you free?” or “Shame the devil, tell the truth?” They’re two very true statements. How can we authentically acknowledge God’s love and power that we have to utilize and live an unhappy life? Is that possible?

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2nd Corinthians 3:17

Truth triggers happiness. If the Truth is Freedom, and you want the Truth and to be Free of unhappiness, you must know that God lives in you, therefore the truth has to be there also. It’s there, friend, and it was there all the time!

  • Practice makes perfect. Once we admit and accept that the truth it then opens up the door to our personal happiness, because we can then let go of the stories that we create to make sense of things, and fix the issues that can actually be fixed–reality;  We really do have to practice acknowledging it, though. If I want to build muscle I exercise–I focus on physical activities. If I want to find the truth, I have to focus on my mind, therefore freeing my heart.

I don’t know if you know this, but you have the power to change your life. It’s not in anyone else’s hands, but yours! You have the power to create the life that you want, and you inherited it from The Creator.

It brings me so much Joy to know that I may never be perfect (it’s cool), and people may get on my nerves sometimes, but it doesn’t help me to stay in a state of being upset–I may never get it right,  butI can practice perfection. I will make mistakes, but I sure can switch some things around, and make the best of my life, right?

By seeing the Truth, I am forcing myself to see God in the things that I allow harm me. I can save the day, turn weakness in to strength and “bad” into “good”, so to speak–like only a superhero can!

If we are not happy and joyous at this season,

for what other season shall we wait and

for what other time shall we look?


—Abdul-Baha

Your happiness is in your hands!

Like what you read today? Please subscribe, share, like and comment. This blog is Episode 1 of a 5 part series, entitled: “The Get Free, Get Happy Series.”

Feedback is welcome and Thanks for stopping by.

To win a free month of life coaching by me (yes, totally free), please send an email to:coachdee215@yahoo.com

Freestyle Friday!

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This photo shows the place where the rainbow r...

The Mind, where the rainbow ends and begins...

I decided to make Friday my designated freestyle day. Short and sweet, not much thought involved. Maybe it wont have anything to do with coaching at all, and perhaps it will give my clients a glimpse of the real Dee:-)

Attended an Apple Employment Seminar yesterday. It was great! I want something part-time, and the company and products are amazing–I’m sure you know that…

While there, we did a lot of  group exercises. I heard a “grandmother quote” that I never heard before: “If you can lean, you can clean.” Meaning, if you have down time, you could be doing something more productive–like cleaning.

And it got me to thinking about all the time I spend thinking–and over thinking (yes, I was thinking about thinking–that’s just the kinda girl I am, lol). I think a lot. I try my best to get a hold of negative thoughts, but they come, more often, though, I’m thinking about ways to be productive; Thinking of ways to grow; Thinking of things to share with a client; I’m thinking thinking of better ways to live, to love myself to love God, to love my partner, my parents, my friends; Ironically, I think more when I have time to rest. Doesn’t my mind deserve to rest, too?

So this weekend, I plan to rest. I’m going to clean out my mind; Thoughts are going to come, but I’m going to clean mind of clutter and anything that needs to be put away–(until another season in my life)–that’s going into some mental file, for a more proper time; Any negative thoughts–lies–are being put in the spiritual-circular-file. This weekend, I’m going on a mental retreat–leaning and cleaning…

Have a good weekend friends!

Also, I just saw a trailer for the new Tyler Perry movie–N’tozake Shange’s “For Colored Girls When the Rainbow is Enuf”, starring Janet Jackson, Loretta Devnie, Phylicia Rashad and Kerri Washington. It doesn’t matter what color of the rainbow you are–I have read and re-read this book maybe a hundred times. It’s pretty, painful and poetic. Can’t wait!

Change Into Your Spiritual (Yet, Oh So Sexy)Super-Hero Suit: The Get Free, Get Happy Series, Ep. 1

SUPERMAN S
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

I guess you can call this blog a sassy spin off and personal shout out to Byron Katie‘s “Loving What Is“. Don’t worry if you don’t know who she is, or what the book is about. Don’t even worry that this blog may not be relevant to your life–I can all but promise it is. Read on:-) Many times we think happiness is only something we read about or watch on Sex In the City (or Entourage for the fellas). When you think of happiness, even in the time of trouble, heartache and heartbreak, do you think it’s attainable? Do you know how to even get to happy, if it’s your destination?

This is not a book review, per se. I will say this about what Katie calls “The Work”: it’s a simple concept. The concept of “The Work” is the most effective, down to earth approach to self-help and overall happiness that I have ever encountered; it changed my life, and my style of coaching, forever.  More importantly, it changed my mind.

It CHANGED MY MIND.

That’s a phrase that we hear often, right? Imagine this: you got accepted to a prestigious university, your parents throw you a big party and send you off. Lo-and-behold, by sophomore year, you are a drama major and contemplating running off to L.A. to pursue your dreams. Mother asks, “well, what happened?” And while a ton of things happened (you couldn’t focus, didn’t want to study, had anxiety attacks and couldn’t even pick up the heavy pre-law book that you paid $200.00 for), the most accurate and honest answer you can come up with is,

“Mom, I CHANGED MY MIND“.

Not a scholar? Well, here’s another example: for two weeks you planned on going to see the latest installment of your favorite movie. It’s a trillogy. Everytime you see the trailer or pass a billboard about your movie, you do a little dance in your seat and the corners of your mouth turn up. You don’t even care that it’s opening night and the crowd is going to be outrageous! You hate crowds, but you love the movie. You’re even brushing off your best friend’s dinner party–at least for two hours. You can’t wait! But! The day of your movie, you pull out your credit card to make your online ticket purchase, when a text message from your bestie comes through: “thx in advance 4 gracing me w/ur presence 2nite. truth be told, if it were only u n me, the celebration would still b the same.” You remember how you friend has been there for you for 15 years hell and high water, and how she never missed any of your events. Even your failed yard-sale. Yes, there’s some guilt. You put down your credit card, mentally pick out the outfit that you’re wearing to dinner, and deciede to see the movie, with your best friend the next day. What happened? Why didn’t you go see the movie?

YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND“.

I noticed, through reading “Loving What Is”, evaluating my life, and coaching and listening to others, that we don’t realize the power that we have over our own situations. Either we don’t realize, or think that it’s too much responsibility, so we blame others for our own unhappiness. It’s a harsh reality that no one can make you unhappy but yourself. Was that a frown? Don’t worry, if you take heed to this blog, you will be smiling a lot more, so I don’t feel bad for that one (although it wasn’t my fault, lol).

Take a few seconds to think about it. I’ll wait. How many times did you change your mind about something in your life? If you’re watching TV and change your mind about what you were watching, what do you do? Do you turn the channel or do you sit there a prisoner of a rerun? OR shoes! You get all fancy for the a big event, put on your shoes and–wait, the black ones would go better–and they’re more comfortable! So what comes next? You change your shoes, right? I bet you can come up with a thousands of examples of times that you changed your mind and then changed your way. What is that you say? Your boyfriend said he liked the red shoes better–OR your girlfriend likes you in cowboy boots, so you left them on? Well then, you changed your mind from caring more about your own opinion than your lover’s. Either way, your thought brought about the action (or inaction).

I hope you’re getting the concept and the importance of changing your mind. Simply put, the first step to changing your life, is changing your mind. Looking for someone to come along and save you from all of your pain, stress, fatigue–Superman or Wonder-woman? I’ve got news for you–trust me when I tell you that I know from living and loving daily, that happiness is in your mind. Waiting for a superhero? Get up, go to the closest mirror–SMILE SEXY/BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME/SPIRITUAL/POWERFUL, THERE’S A SUPERHERO RIGHT THERE STARING BACK AT YOU!”

There's a HERO inside of ALL of US, let It save the day!!!

Like what you read today? Please subscribe, share, like and comment. This blog is Episode 1 of a 5 part series, entitled: “The Get Free, Get Happy Series.”

Feedback is welcome and Thanks for stopping by.

To win a free month of life coaching by me (yes, totally free), please send an email to: coachdee215@yahoo.com

I Was Once Unlovable (A personal journey)

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I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 105 degrees. I stood at the heart of Center City, Philadelphia waiting for my, then, lover. She hadn’t been to our home in days. We hadn’t had an argument, yet somehow she was absent from my life, with what I thought was no cause. Somehow, although we’d barely spoken, I had convinced her to go to couple’s therapy.  At the time, I was over

The Infamous Clock

350lbs., my legs ached from standing. With tears in my eyes, I watched as people climb the stairs. I wore a fake smile (something I still do when I’m very uncomfortable). I slipped my pink, shiny, cell phone in and out of my purse  praying for a text from her, as I watched the big, yellow clock at the top of City Hall, glow (tauntingly) for two hours.

I called her phone. Straight to voice-mail. And although I knew she had abandoned me for the past week, I’d convinced myself that she was underground, on the train with no signal. Although she’d cheated on me, mistreated me, and took me through an emotional hell, I thought to myself, “no one can be this heartless.”

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
— Maya Angelou

It wasn’t the first time I fooled myself. All of my life, I had spent most of my energy trying to prove to others what I was worth. And when they didn’t I tried harder. I was always sensitive enough to see that if I met myself on the streets I would be enthralled my intelligence, my natural empathy, my eccentricities. I never bought into the fact that I was garbage, yet I was convinced that no one else would ever perceive me as a treasure–but I still tried; When you are emotionally abused, rarely hear a kind word, it is quite hard to understand that love is an action word.

She never showed up. I wanted to turn around and go home, but no one was there. My heart was shattered. My friend’s already told me so. God already told me to let go. The proof was there. My only question was why?

Why?

I somehow ended up at the door of my therapist’s. I walked into the high-rise apartment building, still smiling like a mannequin, tears fighting with my eyelids, blinding me to my own name as I signed in at the security desk.

I tapped on her door, inhaling the lavender scent that swirled around my anxiety like a dance, forcing my spirits to lift–a little–I danced that dance with lavender every week for the next few years.

It took two traumatic heartbreaks, wasting my time pursing unworthy people, declining physical health, chronic loneliness and tears that I thought would never end–and of course years of therapy to realize that:

It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, “Me,” This Fire


It was me the entire time–not her. As a child, I didn’t have a choice–or have knowledge of the choices that I had. As an adult, I knew the idea was to be independent, but I didn’t know that independence was not just about paying bills and working. Being independent is about having your own mind, making your own way, loving your own self, if no one else ever does.

I was resisting loving me, and when you resist what is inevitable your life will surely be a rerun of the lesson you are supposed to learn. What you resist will persist. It wasn’t everyone else that was being heartless–it was me. And until I began to love me, I realized that I would continue to be unlovable!

I will say it a million times! It is unfair to hold other’s to standards that you don’t hold yourself to. And lazy. How can we expect anyone to do the hard work of loving someone so human, when we can’t do it ourselves. No one said love was easy, but it is an action word. If you know that, then you know to put it into action!

I did it–do it–until I get it right. There is no formula for loving yourself, except to do what makes you smile, genuinely–from the soul and not on the surface (sometimes my spirit smiles, while my tears fall). For me, sometimes, it is watching classic episodes of Sesame Street. Other times, it is walking down the street, talking to God, not caring if people think I’m crazy (secretly, hoping they do). Recently, it has been doing the job that I feel I was made to do, utilizing myself as the gem that I am…But most of the time, it is telling myself loving things–loving myself is teaching people how to treat me, by treating myself well.

If you find yourself asking, “why?”, be sure the question is directed to you. Instead of asking someone, “why are you treating me like this?”, ask yourself, “why are you allowing someone to treat you like this.” So on, and so forth. I think you’ve got it. Right?

If you can wrap your arms around yourself, hug, and know that the key ingredient to the pie of life is knowing that you can only control you, you will find that no longer does your sunshine depend on someone else’s forecast. And thats a very good thing!

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.  ~African Proverb

NOTE: Life coaching comes after the therapy. I needed to deal with issues that went back to childhood. I didn’t know what I needed to let go of. Coaching deals with now, not the past. If you are ready to set goals for today, and love yourself today, then coaching may be for you. Email me for your free, confidential consultation: coachmysoul@gmail.com

The Universe vs. God?

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The reason why the universe is eternal is that it does not live for itself; it gives life to others as it transforms ~ Lao Tzu

There are times where I will say things like, “I’m putting this into the Universe, and I know it won’t come back void.” or “The Universe is working for me, I’m sure of it.” When I say these things, I can almost bet all that I own that one of my more religious friends are cutting their eyes at me, as if somehow I’m taking reverence away from the God that I serve and putting it into the moon and the stars, as if somehow my Christianity has been compromised for new aged mysticism.

~ Everything is perfect in the universe – even your desire to improve it. ~Wayne Dyer

Call it what you like, but I call it consciousness. I feel with my entire being that there is no way to honor God as God without acknowledging all that He/She (oh, and I’m sure that the She just threw a few people off, as well)  is, and I believe that there is no way to know the inherited Power that we all possess, without knowing what our resources are. I think there is a hymn somewhere that says, “Jesus is ALL to me.” And that He is!

People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back. ~Alice Walker, The Color Purple


I don’t believe that God created the Universe just for us to have a big ol’ pretty place to live. I believe that God and the Universe are one, and every little piece of this puzzle–earth, the moon, the stars, trees, flowers, every single molecule was made to work for us–and limiting God to Heaven (wherever that might be), is limiting His power, thus limiting our power as co-creators (since we were made in His image, should it be so hard and complicated to succeed in happiness, love, abundance–life? Should it be far fetched to believe that God created us with the resources to create life, as S/He did?) .

Second Corinthians 9:8 –Moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need; you may have abundance for every good work.

There is no internal battle within my mind, heart or spirit about Who or What is in control. When I give thanks to the Universe it is synonymous to giving thanks to God, just on a larger scale–giving thanks to the Whole of God. Like, if you help me up from a ditch I have fallen in, I can’t thank your hand without thanking my friend that took the time to support me, when I needed it most…

I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind, but only to inspire a thought. And I didn’t share this to be self-righteous, as if to say my belief is greater than yours. Whether you be Christian, Muslim, Catholic or Jewish, are you believing in God as a whole? Or as a Powerful Force, far off and non-visible to our small human eyes? If He/She is far off, then so is the Power of God, is it not?  Placing God in Heaven, is like placing God in a box, ultimately limiting the Power that God has blessed each and every one of us with; Forfeiting the greatest gift He/She has granted–Inheritence!

If God is in everything, then all you have to do is open your eyes for the very Source of your existence, and the Power that can change your life, and Ultimately the world.

There is no need to feel powerless, when you have the power of God.

The next time you're feeling powerless, take God out of heaven and place God where you need Him.

The Happy Birthday Michael Jackson Blog

Dedicated to the Greatest
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There is an indescribable peace that comes with knowledge of self. I suppose for some people, knowing who you are comes with ease, on the other hand, it can come slow and hard. Either way the race is won.

For me, it took a series of bad love affairs that left me with the name I entered the relationship with, the material items that I had accumulated (and brought to compensate for the self-nurturing and coping skills I didn’t posess), and time alone with a person that I knew so little about, it was uncomfortable being in the same room with, for too long–myself–to realize that I was more than someone’s lover. I was not a failure, because my relationship had failed; I was, however a mirror image of the gold-plated, faux form of lover that I was attracting. No, It wasn’t about fault, I’m not about to take the blame for abuse and undeserved pain, but I was lowsy, lazy lover of myself and attracted lovers that didn’t want the responsiblity that I didn’t even want to take on.

Like attracts like. If you are unforgiving, even to yourself, you will attract someone resentful. If you lead an unhealthy lifestyle, you will attract things and people that do not enhance your wellness. It’s as simple as it sounds, but may need some analyzing on your part. The Creator, in my opinion, is very poetic–things are not always literal and our eyes sometimes need a deeper look, but I can bet that what you are giving is what you are getting.

Knowing who you are is better than the most elite, reputable, matchmaking service, because when you know who you are you know what compliments you and makes your heart sing and welcoming those things into your life is as easy as being them. Your life is no longer out of control, you finally realize that change begins in you, and if it’s peace and love that you want, then it’s peace and love you have to be. Things no longer just happen by chance. Ever ask yourself “why?”, in honor of Michael Jackson’s Birthday, I suggest looking that the (wo)man in mirror.

Thanks for reading…Please leave comments and subscribe!

Dedicated to the Greatest

Michael Joseph Jackson: 1958-2009