Let Go, Let God!

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Get Free, Get Happy! Episode #3

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.”
Eckhart Tolle

I have a question for you. Ready? O.K., I want you to take a few moments to think about this: If you stumped your toe, would you feel it, if your mind didn’t know it? I mean, if your brain was never aware of what happened in those few seconds where you mis-measured the space between the coffee table and the loveseat? Can’t figure it out yet? Well, what if your small child started to scream from the other room at the same time. Would the diversion from your own incident, to something more important, allow you to not focus on your own pain, even if only for a moment; would you still feel your own hurt?

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

When pain comes, your nerves send a message to your brain, and depending on your fears and perception of that pain, it can either be magnified or lessened. When we continue to obsess over our disappointments, we play out our emotions repetitively,  and by going over the details of our painful stories our bodies feel the same tension and stress similar to what we feel if we actually going through the painful ordeal, over and over; we refuse the possibility of healing, and allow our hearts to continue to break.

Choose forgiveness and choose freedom!

When we allow ourselves to internalize our pain, we can’t forgive and we  allow the people that we hold accountable for our pain power over our lives. While I believe that the pain that we feel, out of heartbreak and disappointment comes directly from our expectations of what we perceive as being perfect–we try to see things that only God can consistently give us in very human people and things–and are spiritually blinded to our attachment to them. It’s easier said than done, to not expect truth and loyalty from the people that we love 100%, but I think it’s easier to at least admit that it’s not realistic; and even if we can’t admit that aspect of taking responsibility for our own lives, I’m sure you’ll agree that no one deserves control over your peace of mind, but you. The more resentment we continue to harbor, the less truth we let into our lives. The reality is this: pain is usually a clue that we need to make adjustments in our lives. If your belt was tight enough to cut off your breathing, wouldn’t you loosen it and if your pants were falling would you not tighten it? Pain and discomfort is usually a sign of resistance of the inevitable. When we feel pain, usually it means we need to cling to what alleviates our pain (try to think permanent and spiritual on this one), and let go of what/who is causing this pain.

“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” –Ann Landers

I have hurt in my life and begged God to make it stop. I’ve asked the question that I’m sure many people have asked, “When will the tears/pain stop?” The answer was, to my surprise, “when you allow it to, the healing will begin.” Please, I urge you, to not think it’s a human, terminal, condition to continue to go through the same emotional pain, over and over, but until we learn to let go and let God and forgive, we let undeserving situations to run our lives. If there’s the chance of getting “burned”, there is also the option to come out as pure gold in the end; If you have the power to love, you have the power to live and let go!

The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve.Letting go is God’s law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey

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The Get Free, Get Happy Series, Ep. 2: It’s O.K.! Be a Baby Today!

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As good parents, I feel that you have to allow children to make mistakes, in order for them to learn. Example:

‘Baby’ is learning to walk. ‘Baby’ takes two steps and falls, PLOP! Mommy/Daddy says, “Awwww, that’s ok. Get up.”  ‘Baby’ looks up at the “big, goofy” people with smiles of admiration. “Wow,” Baby thinks, “All this and all I did was try?”, so ‘Baby gets up and tries again. ‘Big‘  and ‘Goofy’ stand about three feet away, close, with arms outstretched for ‘Baby’ to fall into them and their embrace,  if needed (and the truth is, they expect it. They know, in all of their big-goofiness, that there is a process of succeeding, and it’s rare to reach it without falling). The parents even celebrate the smallest of efforts, even when Baby doesn’t do anything but rock back and forth, trying to get their little legs to do what their young  minds are envisioning, “YAYYYY!!!!”, they yell, clapping, even if ‘Baby’ takes only two steps. ‘Baby’ looks up in awe of how loving ‘Big’ and ‘Goofy’ are, and soon ‘Baby’ is clapping and “yayyy-ing”, too!

With all this encouragement, and a process of practice, many tries and many failures–Baby can now walk!

As adults, we are sent out to live on our own, to live our own life, most of us with a set of instructions: “pay bills, work, eat, sleep, pray, don’t drive drunk, protect yourself, cook, clean, etc.” We leave our youth behind, as well as the desires of our youth. With no parents some of us go wild, others don’t, but for most of us we forget that there are steps that we have to take to fully embrace and walk through our lives. And while we aren’t children anymore, we are all Someone’s child (children of The Creator) and the need for nurturing never goes away, it just shows up in different ways (discouragement, low-self esteem, tears, loneliness). It will always give us confidence and courage to walk a little more steady the next-go-round. And it becomes our responsibility.

Like loving an coddling parents, we have to embrace our short-comings, open ourselves up allow ourselves a warm place to hide if we should ever fall and bruise ourselves. Tell ourselves, “it’s ok, sweetie! you’ll do better next time.” We have to give ourselves credit for trying, and give ourselves the option of being tired and allow us some time to rest, pray for guidance, observe and meditate and breathe before we go at our goals again. Just because we didn’t get the walk right the first, second or fifteenth time, doesn’t mean our try was a failure; “There is a blessing in every lesson” (‘The Truth’, India.Arie);We have to forgive ourselves for being human, just as our Creators does daily.

And might I suggest that this stroking and understanding go on outside of yourself? Nope, not in your head. Be “big and goofy!” Talk to yourself in a calming, reassuring tone, just as you would a child. Stand in the mirror, and look at you as you would look at someone else that you care about–Talk aloud the next time find yourself beating yourself up about how you could’ve done things differently. Tell yourself how much you love yourself, talk to yourself about all the good things that you’ve achieved, and all the good things that you are made up of. Caress yourself! Go ahead, do it–doesn’t that feel good? Give yourself credit for the small stuff–the baby steps. Even if you don’t believe it at first, entirely,  convince yourself! Do you see how confident you become, when you don’t focus on  what you perceive as your failure (in life and love)?

Just as if you were a baby, learning the steps, say to yourself, “”Awwww, that’s ok. Get up.” Try again when you’re ready. Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t get discouraged!

Baby yourself! Self-Nurturing is one of the key elements of loving you.

And when you finally get it right. Celebrate with yourself, with yourself! Love yourself up! You deserve it!

“YAYYYYYY!!!!”

Your inner child needs you!

I Was Once Unlovable (A personal journey)

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This is a very raw and intimate personal testament of how I learned, the hard way, how to love myself!

I Was Once Unlovable (A personal journey).

Change Into Your Spiritual (Yet, Oh So Sexy)Super-Hero Suit: The Get Free, Get Happy Series, Ep. 1

SUPERMAN S
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Groucho Marx

I guess you can call this blog a sassy spin off and personal shout out to Byron Katie‘s “Loving What Is“. Don’t worry if you don’t know who she is, or what the book is about. Don’t even worry that this blog may not be relevant to your life–I can all but promise it is. Read on:-) Many times we think happiness is only something we read about or watch on Sex In the City (or Entourage for the fellas). When you think of happiness, even in the time of trouble, heartache and heartbreak, do you think it’s attainable? Do you know how to even get to happy, if it’s your destination?

This is not a book review, per se. I will say this about what Katie calls “The Work”: it’s a simple concept. The concept of “The Work” is the most effective, down to earth approach to self-help and overall happiness that I have ever encountered; it changed my life, and my style of coaching, forever.  More importantly, it changed my mind.

It CHANGED MY MIND.

That’s a phrase that we hear often, right? Imagine this: you got accepted to a prestigious university, your parents throw you a big party and send you off. Lo-and-behold, by sophomore year, you are a drama major and contemplating running off to L.A. to pursue your dreams. Mother asks, “well, what happened?” And while a ton of things happened (you couldn’t focus, didn’t want to study, had anxiety attacks and couldn’t even pick up the heavy pre-law book that you paid $200.00 for), the most accurate and honest answer you can come up with is,

“Mom, I CHANGED MY MIND“.

Not a scholar? Well, here’s another example: for two weeks you planned on going to see the latest installment of your favorite movie. It’s a trillogy. Everytime you see the trailer or pass a billboard about your movie, you do a little dance in your seat and the corners of your mouth turn up. You don’t even care that it’s opening night and the crowd is going to be outrageous! You hate crowds, but you love the movie. You’re even brushing off your best friend’s dinner party–at least for two hours. You can’t wait! But! The day of your movie, you pull out your credit card to make your online ticket purchase, when a text message from your bestie comes through: “thx in advance 4 gracing me w/ur presence 2nite. truth be told, if it were only u n me, the celebration would still b the same.” You remember how you friend has been there for you for 15 years hell and high water, and how she never missed any of your events. Even your failed yard-sale. Yes, there’s some guilt. You put down your credit card, mentally pick out the outfit that you’re wearing to dinner, and deciede to see the movie, with your best friend the next day. What happened? Why didn’t you go see the movie?

YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND“.

I noticed, through reading “Loving What Is”, evaluating my life, and coaching and listening to others, that we don’t realize the power that we have over our own situations. Either we don’t realize, or think that it’s too much responsibility, so we blame others for our own unhappiness. It’s a harsh reality that no one can make you unhappy but yourself. Was that a frown? Don’t worry, if you take heed to this blog, you will be smiling a lot more, so I don’t feel bad for that one (although it wasn’t my fault, lol).

Take a few seconds to think about it. I’ll wait. How many times did you change your mind about something in your life? If you’re watching TV and change your mind about what you were watching, what do you do? Do you turn the channel or do you sit there a prisoner of a rerun? OR shoes! You get all fancy for the a big event, put on your shoes and–wait, the black ones would go better–and they’re more comfortable! So what comes next? You change your shoes, right? I bet you can come up with a thousands of examples of times that you changed your mind and then changed your way. What is that you say? Your boyfriend said he liked the red shoes better–OR your girlfriend likes you in cowboy boots, so you left them on? Well then, you changed your mind from caring more about your own opinion than your lover’s. Either way, your thought brought about the action (or inaction).

I hope you’re getting the concept and the importance of changing your mind. Simply put, the first step to changing your life, is changing your mind. Looking for someone to come along and save you from all of your pain, stress, fatigue–Superman or Wonder-woman? I’ve got news for you–trust me when I tell you that I know from living and loving daily, that happiness is in your mind. Waiting for a superhero? Get up, go to the closest mirror–SMILE SEXY/BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME/SPIRITUAL/POWERFUL, THERE’S A SUPERHERO RIGHT THERE STARING BACK AT YOU!”

There's a HERO inside of ALL of US, let It save the day!!!

Like what you read today? Please subscribe, share, like and comment. This blog is Episode 1 of a 5 part series, entitled: “The Get Free, Get Happy Series.”

Feedback is welcome and Thanks for stopping by.

To win a free month of life coaching by me (yes, totally free), please send an email to: coachdee215@yahoo.com

I Was Once Unlovable (A personal journey)

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I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 105 degrees. I stood at the heart of Center City, Philadelphia waiting for my, then, lover. She hadn’t been to our home in days. We hadn’t had an argument, yet somehow she was absent from my life, with what I thought was no cause. Somehow, although we’d barely spoken, I had convinced her to go to couple’s therapy.  At the time, I was over

The Infamous Clock

350lbs., my legs ached from standing. With tears in my eyes, I watched as people climb the stairs. I wore a fake smile (something I still do when I’m very uncomfortable). I slipped my pink, shiny, cell phone in and out of my purse  praying for a text from her, as I watched the big, yellow clock at the top of City Hall, glow (tauntingly) for two hours.

I called her phone. Straight to voice-mail. And although I knew she had abandoned me for the past week, I’d convinced myself that she was underground, on the train with no signal. Although she’d cheated on me, mistreated me, and took me through an emotional hell, I thought to myself, “no one can be this heartless.”

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
— Maya Angelou

It wasn’t the first time I fooled myself. All of my life, I had spent most of my energy trying to prove to others what I was worth. And when they didn’t I tried harder. I was always sensitive enough to see that if I met myself on the streets I would be enthralled my intelligence, my natural empathy, my eccentricities. I never bought into the fact that I was garbage, yet I was convinced that no one else would ever perceive me as a treasure–but I still tried; When you are emotionally abused, rarely hear a kind word, it is quite hard to understand that love is an action word.

She never showed up. I wanted to turn around and go home, but no one was there. My heart was shattered. My friend’s already told me so. God already told me to let go. The proof was there. My only question was why?

Why?

I somehow ended up at the door of my therapist’s. I walked into the high-rise apartment building, still smiling like a mannequin, tears fighting with my eyelids, blinding me to my own name as I signed in at the security desk.

I tapped on her door, inhaling the lavender scent that swirled around my anxiety like a dance, forcing my spirits to lift–a little–I danced that dance with lavender every week for the next few years.

It took two traumatic heartbreaks, wasting my time pursing unworthy people, declining physical health, chronic loneliness and tears that I thought would never end–and of course years of therapy to realize that:

It’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.
~Paula Cole, “Me,” This Fire


It was me the entire time–not her. As a child, I didn’t have a choice–or have knowledge of the choices that I had. As an adult, I knew the idea was to be independent, but I didn’t know that independence was not just about paying bills and working. Being independent is about having your own mind, making your own way, loving your own self, if no one else ever does.

I was resisting loving me, and when you resist what is inevitable your life will surely be a rerun of the lesson you are supposed to learn. What you resist will persist. It wasn’t everyone else that was being heartless–it was me. And until I began to love me, I realized that I would continue to be unlovable!

I will say it a million times! It is unfair to hold other’s to standards that you don’t hold yourself to. And lazy. How can we expect anyone to do the hard work of loving someone so human, when we can’t do it ourselves. No one said love was easy, but it is an action word. If you know that, then you know to put it into action!

I did it–do it–until I get it right. There is no formula for loving yourself, except to do what makes you smile, genuinely–from the soul and not on the surface (sometimes my spirit smiles, while my tears fall). For me, sometimes, it is watching classic episodes of Sesame Street. Other times, it is walking down the street, talking to God, not caring if people think I’m crazy (secretly, hoping they do). Recently, it has been doing the job that I feel I was made to do, utilizing myself as the gem that I am…But most of the time, it is telling myself loving things–loving myself is teaching people how to treat me, by treating myself well.

If you find yourself asking, “why?”, be sure the question is directed to you. Instead of asking someone, “why are you treating me like this?”, ask yourself, “why are you allowing someone to treat you like this.” So on, and so forth. I think you’ve got it. Right?

If you can wrap your arms around yourself, hug, and know that the key ingredient to the pie of life is knowing that you can only control you, you will find that no longer does your sunshine depend on someone else’s forecast. And thats a very good thing!

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.  ~African Proverb

NOTE: Life coaching comes after the therapy. I needed to deal with issues that went back to childhood. I didn’t know what I needed to let go of. Coaching deals with now, not the past. If you are ready to set goals for today, and love yourself today, then coaching may be for you. Email me for your free, confidential consultation: coachmysoul@gmail.com